Header Photo: Bethany Clarke (Getty) / Brynnester™ (Twitter)
Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read, and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends later and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.
Follow @Mandatory on Twitter.
Funny Tweets 9-15-17
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
— mo (@chuuew) September 4, 2017
uh oh this google captcha… pic.twitter.com/bWh6StUR1v
— Tod E. Kurt (@todbot) September 11, 2017
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
— Paul (@FrenulumBreve) August 19, 2015
BRUNO MARS: I’d catch a grenade for ya
ME: Thanks, but I’d probably still die.
BRUNO MARS: Jump in front of a train for ya
— P o n k (@P_o_n_k) September 11, 2017
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
— Elle Emmenopee (@ElleOhHell) March 5, 2014
The Shareef don’t like it pic.twitter.com/pqWN0sDbQ3
— Joao Morais (@_JoaoMorais) September 10, 2017
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
— Zach (@NamestartswithZ) March 27, 2017
— Josh Billinson (@jbillinson) September 13, 2017
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
— Elliot (@ElliotHetherton) August 6, 2017
Greatest headline in modern American history pic.twitter.com/bEAFT2b0eA
— elan gale (@theyearofelan) September 12, 2017
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
— willydoodoo (@markydoodoo) March 23, 2017
Interviewer: So, where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: probably a mirror, we’ll still have mirrors right?
— her? (@JennaBelle) September 12, 2017
— Daniel (@MyFavsTrash) January 29, 2017
Me: I see spots in front of my eyes
Dr: You’re just really close to that Dalmatian
Dalmatian: Yes, please stop invading my personal space
— Brynnester™ (@brynnester) September 11, 2017
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
— vince (@mortimermaiden) July 27, 2017
*Listens to REO Speedwagon
*Tries to take it on the run
*Sprains ankle, gets tazered
*Never takes life advice from 80’s band again
— El Masshole (@ElMasshole) September 14, 2017
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
— Bread Savage (@papasuncle) March 31, 2017
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell pic.twitter.com/LM1yhbkW0M
— Ali Garfinkel (@aligarchy) September 12, 2017
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
— Cat Friendship Club (@iLikeCatShirts) September 7, 2016
He’s coming back with revenge pic.twitter.com/QqKwyT8de8
— Nizzlle (@Nizzlle_) September 13, 2017