Header Photo: LEON NEAL/AFP (Getty) / Dave Incognito (Twitter)
Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read, and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends later and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
Funny Tweets 3-17-17
I went to get my full license and forgot it was Ash Wednesday. pic.twitter.com/HDbN9vOZGp
— Elena Quinones (@elenaq32) March 1, 2017
What girls really do when they go to the bathroom together pic.twitter.com/NAzzhkow1j
— Shannon (@Itsyaaboysb) March 7, 2017
This is so intense I stood up toward the end and started cheering pic.twitter.com/JkJNC3DbMa
— Downtown Josh Brown (@ReformedBroker) March 12, 2017
Microwave spies are just ridiculous, but toilet spies, toilet spies are literally everywhere pic.twitter.com/OyCXd1nP2r
— Amanda M-W (@Manda_like_wine) March 13, 2017
i have the diet of a boy who found 20 dollars
— Cullen Crawford (@HelloCullen) March 13, 2017
I was going to do a Liam Neeson joke, but all the good ones were…
*takes off sunglasses*
Star Wars Episode 1
Wait I fucked that up
— Rad Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) August 26, 2015
Me, absolutely twisted, coming home with a load of swords.
Me waking up the next day with a room full of swords. pic.twitter.com/4fNWkAmhBY
— rich uncle luke (@isitluke) September 13, 2016
You’ll never feel lonelier or more aware of every inch of your body than during the instrumental break of the karaoke song you’re singing.
— Chris Franjola (@ChrisFranjola) March 10, 2017
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
— Dave Cactus (@dave_cactus) March 13, 2017
me talking to a robot in 2011: siri, how do i make a nice beef wellington
me talking to a robot in 2017: alexa, please murder me
— chuuch (@ch000ch) March 2, 2017
walk into the club like pic.twitter.com/Dp4rcdI0pj
— Valerie Loftus (@valerieloftus) March 10, 2017
if you think love is dead think again pic.twitter.com/k1NqeAXrV4
— sydney (@sydneyrachel) February 27, 2017
— kytten (@kyttenjanae) February 26, 2017
— M I K E D I V A (@mikediva) March 9, 2017
it’s easier for a camel to pass through a needle than to get a guy to admit his friend is shitty, if you just got to know him, he’s cool man
— merritt k (@merrittk) March 12, 2017
jackie chan w golden retrievers rt for good luck pic.twitter.com/L6E8L6mUri
— ㅤ (@periwinkhle) March 10, 2017
“Dad, why are you laying on the floor holding your face?”
“That’s just what adults do sometimes, son.”
— Mr. Bea Arthur (@FuckabillyRex) February 16, 2016
Anyone want to settle down with me and adopt a highway
— ummmheather (@ummmheather) February 25, 2017
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
— Brosephine Wires (@JoParkerBear) March 13, 2017
We can’t have sex until I see you around a bee
— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) August 30, 2015