Photo: Universal Pictures
If there’s one thing I think about almost every day of my life, it’s what I would do during the purge. The problem is that everyone in the movies is doing the purge wrong. Don’t waste your one night of punishment-free crime on killing people, you vagrant. Be smart! If you play it right, you could be living the high life the other 364 days of the year.
1. Plan Ahead
OK, if you absolutely INSIST on killing people during the purge, at least strategize ahead of time and come up with some sort of game plan. There are guys on the street corner selling weapons the day of the purge. This is way worse than trying to go present shopping on Christmas Day. What, are you going to buy a machete an hour before it starts and just run around in the streets and hope for the best? Get it together.
2. Make Some Money
Why does everyone ONLY focus on murder? There are so many moneymaking opportunities during the purge. Steal an armored car. Rob a bank. Heck, if you don’t want to go for a heist that big, just clean out a few gas stations. Get their cash and all those lottery tickets. That has to be a few thousand dollars AND the fun of scratching off all the tickets. There’s just no excuse for you to be broke after the purge.
3. Travel Internationally
If you REALLY want to avoid the purge just book a trip to Canada or any other country in the world that happens to coincide with purge day. If you have a pet, you should probably take it with you, though, just to be safe. Your home might not be there when you get back, but at least you aren’t dead. Wait, why don’t you just MOVE to another country? Problem solved!
4. Advance Your Career
Let’s say you own a car dealership and your big competitor is across town. Lock your place down, then go burn his to the ground. Just like that, you’ve become the top dealership in the tri-county area. Plus what better way to show how durable and long-lasting your cars are than advertising that they all survived the purge?
5. Invest In Your Night
Remember that guy that had a fully stocked truck with a massive machine gun in the back? He knew what was up. He knew that if you’re going to go out on a night when thousands of people are just randomly committing murder, you need to do a little more than sharpen a knife. It doesn’t matter if you kill your target, if now you’re stuck in the middle of nowhere with nothing but maniacs between you and your safe house. If you don’t have the money to do it right, then it’s probably better to skip this year.
6. Get Online
Why does everything think you need to leave your home to commit all these crimes? Do you realize how much damage you could do from the comfort of your own home with nothing but a laptop? You could steal all the money you would ever need; you could destroy your enemies, if that’s the type of thing you’re into; or you could just spend the whole time illegally downloading all the movies and music you want with no fear of consequences whatsoever. Plus, you’re definitely not going to get stabbed! Win-win!
7. Sell Exotic Pets
I mean, this is for a VERY specific demographic of people, but if you’ve always wanted to start an illegal exotic pets business, this is the day to do it. I bet there are plenty of people out there that would rather buy a pet koala than commit a murder.
8. Go Camping
Let’s say you don’t have enough money to buy a fortified home for the purge. What do you do? You can’t stay there while vandals and murderers break down the door and slaughter you. Thankfully there’s a solution. Go camping! Even if you have to leave a few days before to get out in the middle of the woods, it’s worth it. Just find a spot in the absolute middle of nowhere, and if you have a friend, take turns guarding the tent on the off chance of someone messing with you. It’s honestly a good excuse to get out of the city anyway.
9. Stock Up On Necessities
Again, nothing about the purge says you HAVE to be a murderer. Take a group to Costco and stock up on household goods and items that’ll last for the next decade. And if you have to get your hands a little dirty in the process, at least now you’re stocked up on bleach to get all the blood out of your clothes!
10. Pretty Much Anything Besides Murder
Literally anything else would be more beneficial than legally killing a bunch of random people. With all this advice, if you get killed during the purge, the only person you have to blame is yourself. Well, yourself and the person that murdered you.