With the Academy Awards right around the corner, everyone begins to make their predictions on who will win in all of the major categories. Office pools are put together and favorites begin to emerge as everyone catches up on the films they’d missed throughout the season. Surprisingly enough however, no one ever makes bets or predictions on who the winners will thank in their speeches. Here are some long shot predictions for acceptance speeches from some of this year’s top nominees.
Nominated for Actor in a Leading Role – “Lincoln”
Well this is quite an honor. When I accepted the role of Lincoln I must admit I did not know what I was getting involved in. As most of you know I like to immerse myself into the character I am portraying. Due to a typo or my apparent lack of presidential knowledge, I thought I was portraying a Lincoln Town Car. Imagine my embarrassment day after day sitting in the Chevron parking lot studying the curves of each vehicle. I drank gasoline on three different occasions. It was a sacrifice I was willing to make for my craft but alas it was all in vain. I installed tiny handles on my arms so they would open like a door when I moved them to and fro. I was quite committed to this role. Did I mention I would only wear cargo shorts because I felt like the amount of storage they provide was the equivalent of the trunk space in a Lincoln Town Car? Alas I am grateful to have portrayed a president, but seriously, if there is ever a Broadway production of the Pixar film Cars I am quite prepared. Thank you.
Nominated for Actress in a Supporting Role – “Les Miserables”
What an honor! What a tremendous honor! Just this morning I passed a blue bird perched upon a weeping willow and I looked at that weeping willow and I proclaimed “Willow, I believe in you! Do you not see the majesty of nature that is embracing you at this very moment? Smile young willow! Let this blue bird engulf you with love!” At that moment the blue bird sang a song “Fa la la la la laaaaaa!” I wept quietly because no one else would ever hear that song! Then I looked back at the tree and realized that song wasn’t for me! Why it was for this sad willow tree! The tree looked at me as sure as I’m standing here and you know what happened? He kissed me! Right on the cheek! Why am I telling you this? Because I believe in you! Keep your head up FA LA LA LA LAAAA! You can do it! And you can do it! And we all can do it! Let’s paint the surface of the earth with our majesty and our passion! Make love to a cloud! Open mouth kiss a dream! Heaven bless us all!
Nominated for Actor in a Leading Role – “Silver Linings Playbook”
“Wow, what a surprise! First off I’d like to thank God. Haha sorry, I meant PSY. The guy who sings Gangnam Style. Many people don’t know this about me but I am in fact Korean. I was just about to give up my acting career before PSY motivated me to push onward. You see, I wanted to go out on top and what better way than The A Team? Some may ask “Hey Coop, how does PSY motivate you so much?” Well esteemed colleagues I’ll tell you why” **Bradley Cooper puts on sunglasses and a bowtie** “I AM PSY!” **Gangnam Style blasts through the theater as Robert DeNiro joins Cooper onstage and they perform the song for the next 2 hours. No one can hear that music they play when your time is up. Everyone gets pregnant. It’s crazy.**
Tommy Lee Jones
Nominated for Actor in a Supporting Role – “Lincoln”
“Well here we are, the Academy Awards. While I am very thankful to receive such a high honor, I’d like to use this platform to talk about something more important., the last season of ‘Teen Mom’. Why does Gary keep supporting Amber? I honestly don’t get it. She treats him terrible and I get that they have a child together but how much can one guy take? And don’t even get me started on Farrah. Girl what is going on with your cry face? You need to figure out your relationship with your mom too! Don’t yell at her one minute then expect her to watch your kid the next. Why don’t you watch how Catelynn and Tyler behave? What a great couple! I find myself cheering for them every week. Does anyone know how they’re doing? I think about them so much. Tyler if you’re watching don’t keep supporting Butch, he’s a lost cause. OMG I forgot all about Kailyn! Your baby’s daddy is wack. Don’t settle for him. This award is for everyone, but specifically for Maci and Leah. I believe in you. Jenelle, don’t even look at me. I’m serious. Not a glance.” *Tommy drops the mic and walks off stage*
Nominated for Animated Feature Film – “Frankenweenie“
“Nothing is more rewarding than being honored by the Academy so I’d like to thank you for bestowing this honor upon me. I couldn’t have done this without Johnny Depp. Johnny Depp is an amazing human being. Did you know Johnny Depp was in the first Nightmare on Elm Street movie? He was also Edward Scissorhands. Is there anything Johnny Depp can’t do? One time I was sitting at home and I suddenly realized I had been writing “Johnny Depp” on the back of my trapper keepers for at least 11 hours but what a great way to spend a day, right? Did you know Johnny Depp loves milk? These are just some of the things I talk to my good friend Johnny Depp about on a daily basis. Sometimes when Johnny Depp is in the same room as me we share emotions. One time Johnny Depp and I were both watching “Die Hard 2” and at the exact same moment we said “Die Hard 1 was better.” Wow! What great friends! If you were stranded on an island and you could only take 3 things with you what would they be? I know what mine would be, Johnny Depp, a digital camera to document my time with Johnny Depp, and a DVD of Once Upon a Time in Mexico starring Johnny Depp. Did you know dubstep kind of rhymes with Johnny Depp? I have a whole list of things that rhyme with Johnny Depp. Step by step, kitchen prep, yep, pep…” *security steps in and escorts Tim Burton off the stage as he mumbles more Johnny Depp rhymes*