What Is the Pope Going to Do Now?

The inside scoop on what Pope Benedict XVI is going to do with all of that free time.

Rob Feeby Rob Fee

Now that the Pope has shockingly resigned from his position, everyone is wondering why. What is such a priority in his life that he would step down from such a prestigious position? After checking with sources closest to the Pope and begging for just an idea of what he’s doing next, we’ve uncovered the truly shocking plans the Pope has in store. This is exclusive news, so when this becomes mainstream news in a few months, remember you heard it here first.

1. Start a fight club

Most people don’t realize the Pope won his position by winning a fight club tournament. He feels the game has lost its credibility, so he wants to get back to his roots and do what he does best – street fights.

2. Get really into Pinterest

All the other popes would make fun of him because his Pinterest only had one bulletin board. They’d text him and say things like, “LOL Nice Pinterest…..NOT!” and he would get so mad. Well, now the tables are about to turn as he’s going to devote countless hours to changing the Pinterest game.

3. Work at the banana stand

He loved it as a young Pope and has always missed those days on the boardwalk. Why not relive those childhood memories and put on that banana suit one last time?

4. Cryogenically freeze himself so he can discover the mysteries of the universe in a few hundred years

Few people realize what a huge Michael Fassbender fan the Pope is. His closest friends said it’s always Michael Fassbender this and Michael Fassbender that. He actually wanted to be remembered more as a Fassbendy than a Pope. His favorite Fassbender role was, of course, in “Prometheus,” so many feel that he may freeze himself in hopes of going on a space expedition with an android Michael Fassbender in the future. Is it a bit of a stretch? Sure, but a Pope can dream, can’t he?

5. Start cooking meth

I have to be honest and say I was a little surprised by this one, but apparently the Pope has a handicapped son and a horrible wife, so – logically – he’s planning on joining up with a former high school student of his and cooking the most amazing blue meth the world has ever seen.

6. Lead a group of survivors against a horde of the living dead

Does the Pope know something we don’t? Why is this part of his plan? Are we all going to die soon? Not if the Pope has anything to say about it. He plans on protecting survivors of the coming zombie apocalypse with his quick thinking, charm and charisma. Thanks, Pope, you’re the best!

7. Date Taylor Swift

The Pope realized he was the only one who hasn’t broken up with Taylor Swift so he plans on checking that off the list pretty much immediately. “I really want a song written about me,” said the Pope. “To even be mentioned in the same breath as Joe Jonas is a dream of mine. Wow.”