The 10 Worst Things About Facebook

Comedian Dave Hill tells us what he hates about Facebook.

Gary Dudakby Gary Dudak

Dave Hill is a comedian, musician, actor, performer and writer. To really prove he’s a writer, Dave recently wrote a book called “Tasteful Nudes.” It’s his first book, and it’s been called the “greatest book of all time” (by Dave Hill). Along with being a published author, Hill hosts the live stage show “The Dave Hill Explosion” at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in New York. In 2007, Variety magazine named Hill one of their “10 Comics to Watch.”

Here’s a Mandatory exclusive list of the “10 Worst Things About Facebook,” according to Dave Hill himself:

10. Someone pokes you on Facebook and, when you show up at their house to poke them back, they call the cops. You know what? I give up, assholes!

9. There is a Like button, but no Love button. What are we, fucking animals?!

8. On more than one occasion, Facebook has tried to suggest to me that I “may know” Ed Asner. Yeah, right! In my dreams, maybe. What do they think I am, a goddamn superhero? Next they’re gonna try to tell me I “may know” Gene Shalit or something. Enough with the teasing. I’m just trying to live my life!

7. Right around the time Facebook was launched, I started something called Buttbook. It’s just like Facebook except you can only post photos of your butt. There’s lots of poking too. Lots of it. The fact that Buttbook hasn’t caught on by now is basically bullshit, the bane of my existence. No IPO, no movie starring Justin Timberlake, no nothing. My life is a nightmare.

6. Facebook also insists that I “may know” Fred Savage. Do I aspire to? Sure. But it’s just not where I’m at in my life right now. In fact, the more I think about it, Facebook is just giving me too much credit.

5. Sure, everyone wants to be “friends” with me on Facebook, but when are we going to take things to the next level, you know, sexually? I’m not made of stone. I have needs. And cash.

4. Why does Facebook assume I am so into Danzig? I mean, I am. But still.

3. I hate when Facebook is all “You are now friends” with somebody. It’s like, calm down, Facebook. I got a ride to the Danzig concert with that dude, but that’s where it begins and ends with us, OK?

2. Every time I try to get in touch with some chick I really liked in grade school or high school, she always comes back at me with this “I’m married,” or “Please honor the restraining order” bullshit. Look, if you don’t want to date, just say so already. I’m tired of it.

1. I am not entirely convinced that one day Facebook won’t just go ahead and show up at all of our houses and finger our butts. Am I ready for that? Sure. But I am not entirely cool with it.

Follow Dave Hill on Twitter or check out his website.