Valentine’s Day is rolling around again, which means that if you haven’t got anyone you’re planning to share it with, you probably feel a little down on your luck right now.
While no one truly enjoys February 14 — every decent restaurant is packed to the rafters, you’ll pay $50+ for a bouquet of flowers that will be dead by the end of the evening, and you’ll be stuck trying to organize something fun for you and your date to do that doesn’t cost the equivalent of a month’s rent — it’s nice to not feel alone on the international day of romance. However, there exists a number of grueling and brutal first date stories that will make you feel better about being single this Valentine’s Day, and we’ve collected a bunch of them for your reading pleasure.
Here are some stories of first date disasters that will make you feel better about being alone:
“Went on a blind date with a lady who wouldn’t stop picking at her scabs. Just made a pile out of them on the restaurant table. I excused myself to use the washroom and when I came back my soup was there but the pile of scabs wasn’t. No I didn’t eat the soup.”
If you’ve ever found yourself sat across from someone on a date and being uncertain of how to start a conversation, at least your go-to icebreaker isn’t peeling scabs off your arm and then eating them.
“A childhood friend of mine asked me to go to dinner after we ran into each other at a party. I thought this would be great as she had gotten pretty cute since last time I’d seen her and it was all going well when we were texting. I met her at the restaurant and to my surprise there was a middle aged business looking guy there as well. As soon I sat down both of them tried to recruit me to one of those pyramid marketing schemes. After I declined and went home I would get texts regularly over the next month asking me what went wrong and why I didn’t want to make all this easy money. I’m pretty sure I didn’t even get to order dinner as well.”
In order to get to third base with this girl you have to sign up for a timeshare.
“My name is Andrea, his name was Sam. I though he was a girl, he thought I was a girl as well. Realised we were 2 dudes and said goodbye to each other.”
CBS is making a sitcom about this right now.
“She literally tried to commit suicide by jumping over a railing that was 4 stories up, then when I pulled her off the railing and moved her to a spot with no places to jump from, she told me that her new antidepressants were causing her to have issues. I walked her to her car a bit later and she says that she is going to a party and all of a sudden she kissed me rather passionately, jumped in her car, and peeled out. I never saw her again.”
Have you ever been on a date that bad that the other person tried to off themselves just to escape it?
“We got ice cream and drove to a park to make out… Turns out she was lactose intolerant and I had to wait outside a park bathroom while she shit up a storm.”
This guy suggests that this was a bad date, but her being lactose intolerant and still eating ice cream shows that she’s a risk-taker. Outside of the shitting, she sounds like a keeper.
“I’m Australian. My profile said I was Australian. First thing that comes out of my dates mouth, “I hate Australians”. Didn’t last long lol.”
The real question here is, who hates Australians?!
“I had a very disappointing date in highschool. It was the dead of winter. Like – 40 Celsius. We had gone to a movie, and the whole thing was really awkward. She didn’t really seem to want to be there, was very detached. After the movie, and the bus trip home, she admitted that the only reason she even agreed to the date with me is because my friend had turned her down a few days earlier (I wasn’t aware of that at the time). That’s a pretty big let down and waste of time.
But I figured whatever, I’ll head home, and find something else to spend time on, I’ll get over it eventually. I got off the bus and just wanted to get home as soon as possible. At the bus stop there is a thigh high railing around the front of the nearby parking lot, instead of walking around it, I decided to step onto, and then over it.
The second I stepped onto it, i realized it was coated in ice. I Charlie browned the fuck out. Just flipped through the air. Lost everything in my pockets. Ripped my pants from asshole to zipper. And then came down hard right onto the railing with my shin, fracturing it.
It’s still – 40 out. I can’t just lay there till help comes. So I fish around in the snow, grab my stuff, try to stuff my balls back into my pants, and stagger home.
TLDR : Its not me it’s you, limped home balls in the wind.”
The saddest TLDR you’ll ever read.
“Girl was bored with me, sees an old flame of hers by the bar, and within about twenty minutes, they were making out. I was standing right there. I had just been fired from my job, moved back in with my parents, and hadn’t been on a date with a woman in months. Not exactly the highlight of my life.”
More evidence that just when you think things can’t get any worse, yes, they probably can.
“I went to a tinder date, the person I matched with was quite nice. However she brought her “friend” along as a sort of security gesture, who happens to be the human embodiment of a wombat. This wasn’t too bad as she initially just went to the bar area whilst we had a quick dinner. This lasted about 20 minutes or so, until she came back and kept drunkenly making jokes about how she’s “So unlucky I didn’t match with her on tinder”.
I ended the date within about 10 minutes and went home, I got a text saying “I’m am so sorry” from the tinderella and she offered a second date with no friend. We dated for a few months, and then about a year later I got a facebook message from the wombat. “You’ll never guess what I named my child.” It was my name, with the wrong spelling. I fear for my safety.”
What’s this guy got against wombats? Seriously, look at this thing:
If we turned up to a date and this cuddle monster was sitting opposite us, we’d have a long evening planned of rolling it on its back and tickling its tummy.